I’m Not Disciplined

Recently, someone told me they’d like to have my discipline. However, it’s an illusion. I only appear disciplined. I found that I may appear disciplined to someone because I’m doing something they may like the idea of, but not enough to commit time towards. After all, when have you ever needed the discipline to do something you really wanted and enjoyed? Never? Me neither.

I appear disciplined because I’ve narrowed my life only to what fulfils me, brings me clarity and peace, or adds value to my life. These three are the minimum requirements for the stool my soul rests on. I need all three, not necessarily together, but at least individually at any given time. What constitutes those requirements differs for everybody, but you will notice that if someone persists in a seemingly arduous activity, you can rest assured it’s either fulfilling, bringing them peace or some (future?) perceived value. I can find very few examples where this isn’t the case (I’m thinking specifically of instances not of our choice and without recourse).

Fulfilment

Fulfilment is the lasting satisfaction I gain from purposeful, personally meaningful pursuits. It’s the activity I would do alone in my free time…even if I were dying. This standard is how I knew I was on the right path before my ALS diagnosis. A few people have asked me what I would do if I was cured and no longer paralysed. I told them, “Exactly what I was doing before ALS—being a bodyworker, reading, teaching and learning practical skills!” Of course, what’s meaningful differs and changes over time for any particular person.

On the other hand, I may not be actively doing anything but passively receiving fulfilment from my environment. I used to jump on my motorbike and ride to the end of the northbound Mitchell freeway and back again at 2 am when it was empty. I found the ride so wonderfully transcendent. I could relax because there was no traffic or intersections to worry about, just an empty 4 – 2 lane road that took approximately an hour to complete to the end and back to the city. The bike was like a magic carpet allowing my heart to relax and my mind to receive inspiration or do nothing at all.

Whether I’m watching YouTube, being creative, conversing with a friend, or even sitting with some emotional discomfort and doing absolutely nothing about it, it’s important to identify if I’m doing something for escapism or whether it’s inspiring me by opening my heart. The answer will come down to my level of self-awareness and motivation.

If I go through life and do not find personal fulfilment in most of what I do, I may feel lost, aimless, or empty. If I struggle to find meaning or purpose in my life, that can lead to frustration, apathy, and melancholy. Essentially, my heart closes. But those alarming feelings warn me that my choices aren’t the path I’m meant to be on. When this happens, I know I’ve been on automatic, distracted by impulses and noise, and splashing on the shallow end of my life. The rule of thumb is simple to understand: if, over time, I’m experiencing more negative emotions than positive ones after I expose myself to something, it should be obvious I need to stop and identify how I got here and change course—whether practically or perceptually. I need clarity in my self-observation.

Clarity and Peace

Clarity and peace are closely related and essential to my mental and emotional well-being.

• Clarity is understanding my thoughts, feelings, and actions (self-awareness) through a practical relation to the world around me.
• Peace means serenity in my heart by integrating spiritual principles and understanding into my thoughts, emotions, and actions.

Clarity and peace, when combined, provide direction in my life. I can make decisions and take actions that align with higher values, ultimately leading to a life free of guilt, regret, and shame. However, achieving clarity and peace requires ongoing self-reflection, discernment, and repetition. This stuff isn’t easy. I have a lifetime of habitual garbage to overcome. But I haven’t found a pursuit as noble and worthy as taking complete responsibility for the state of mind, heart, and actions.

After all, I have to live with myself 24/7.

Clarity involves knowing myself intimately, both my character’s virtues and vices. I’ve found that a lack of clarity about myself—a lack of self-awareness—has led the most to a lack of inner peace. I found myself acting like a marionette, with someone or something constantly pulling my strings, because I lacked clarity over the entirety of my being and, consequently, of those around me.

Similarly, my heart was always being disrupted by outside events. I was naive (immature) to the nature of physical existence. I needed to cultivate a sense of acceptance and surrender to the volatility of the world while also acknowledging that my limited perspective would never comprehend the larger unfolding of life.

In essence, I had to be humbled and accept that I don’t know anything in the cosmic theatre I find myself in.

After some progress in personal clarity, peace was not far behind. I could choose what I gave importance to, whether internally or out there. This was a paradigm shift of titanic proportions. But this shift only occurred due to having a clear spiritual perspective of reality and habituating myself to its principles. I can’t emphasise this enough. Consequently, I can increasingly surrender to life’s flow, spurred by the recognition and remembrance that I am a Soul having a temporary physical experience.

I’m reconditioning myself to remember this isn’t my home. This isn’t base reality. Life is like a holographic theatre that I’m playing a personality in. This isn’t to say I won’t fight for something—if I’m here, then I’m here for a reason—but it is to say I’m increasingly able to surrender to what is completely out of my control, recognising this is the “story” that has to play out.

Consequently, for a few years now, when something I perceive as “bad” happens, the thought “It happened as it did and couldn’t have happened any other way…because it didn’t”, pops into my head. This shows me that every infinite cosmic variable leading to this event had nothing to do with me, and I wouldn’t understand its intricacies even if it did. Even if I was involved, I was probably unaware and on automatic anyway, just like the person who “caused” the problem.

But even if I somehow possessed my full, lucid capacities, I’m still not omniscient; I still don’t know nor can I control everything…and neither does anybody else! All I actually know is: what I assume I know, what I see in front of me and my fluctuating emotional states (believe me, it’s like a level-5 tornado, earthquake and tsunami in here sometimes)...just like everybody else!

Paradoxically, realising and accepting how much I don’t know has brought me peace by creating space and understanding for myself and others.

Value

Finding things that add value to my life is a natural extension of the other two requirements. I treasure a peaceful mind and heart the way I treasure a peaceful home—as a sanctuary from the world’s chaos. The world has, is, and will, bring me to my knees. When I think I have it figured out, something humbles me into submission. Therefore, I quickly lose interest if something (or someone) drains me with unnecessary noise, drama, or distractions. I don’t want more chaos, thank you very much; my mind and the world are chaotic enough.

I have boundaries—for others and for my own distractive, impulsive side. I know who I am and what I need. If it’s within my power, I will not let anyone or anything trespass on my well-being without my consent. While most people enjoy feeling outraged at the melodrama of their life’s events, no matter how insignificant or inconsequential to their daily life, I’m content to see the affair as a passing, soon-to-be-forgotten distraction. Believe me, no matter how bad something seems, it could always be worse (be grateful it’s not worse). I’ve been in worse, and most of our personal preoccupations are trivial noise.

When I said I chose fulfilment, peace, clarity, and value, notice I didn’t say I chose happiness. If I look for a happiness/pleasure fix, I mistake the effect for the cause. Chasing happiness is a fool’s game. If I chase pleasure, I find over time, the opposite occurs—I feel empty of meaning and depth; restless and stressed; scattered and drained.

Sound familiar?

I’ve observed that lifestyle mostly reflects our choices, and our choices reflect our conscious and unconscious priorities. If we look sincerely at ourselves, we can find all the answers to our currently catastrophic or potential lives. What we’ve chosen in the past has led us to where we are currently, and where we’re going is determined by what we’re choosing now—which is usually the same as what we’ve chosen in the past (we’re creatures of habit and somewhat uncomfortable with the effort of change).

Of course, many outside factors influence our options. But we have far more free will to choose how we perceive and proceed from what’s presented to us than we realize.

Please read that last sentence again.

We may prefer to abdicate responsibility when it doesn’t suit our impulsive moods. But our lives can be so much more fulfilling if we switch off autopilot and get to know ourselves better, warts and all. We’d discover that beneath all the bluster and improv dancing, we’re quite simple, scared, but lovely. We don’t need much to feel joy. However, we require a new set of internal eyes to see past the flashing lights and recognise that what we require belongs to the heart.

I’m not very disciplined, especially regarding things I don’t need or want. But I am very selective about what my rapidly diminishing time is wasted on. This isn’t to say I don’t enjoy the occasional dopamine hit, but it’s the exception, not the rule. On the other hand, nourishing my heart takes no discipline at all, and that has made all the difference.

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Also published on Medium.